MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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My birth announcement for our third baby
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I cannot call her anything else now
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.