Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.