SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead


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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers


Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry


I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here


I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?


I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.



Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out


Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.


Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.


My next relationship will be with someone who thinks “Wine” is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what’s for dinner.