*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead
CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead
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I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?