@trojansauce

[titanic]

SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead

CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead

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@electrolemon

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

@pilau

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

@michael_raphone

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

@ChaseMit

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

@Scottzilla667

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

@bees_wingz

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

@vodkachrome

My next relationship will be with someone who thinks “Wine” is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what’s for dinner.