i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead
CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Auto correction can suck my duck.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks “Wine” is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what’s for dinner.