@trojansauce

[titanic]

SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead

CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead

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@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

@Jandalize

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

@susie_qsie

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

@JohnLyonTweets

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

@danjan13

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

@icrushedmyhalo

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

@Rollinintheseat

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”