It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.