Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-
“What about Leo?”
Steward: No. Leo dies.
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
– Ugh, I do.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
How Can Birds Be R
Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens
Submarine crew: *screaming*
The international address of Twitter
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?