I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Match dot com, but for socks.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
they split up moments later
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles