[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
mood
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I have a new favorite meme page
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham