@madswill_

TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

*Me unloading full cart*

First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this

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@SteveKoehler22

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

@pixelatedboat

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

@Donna_McCoy

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

@garrydavenport

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

@EllaZee5

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

@AlexvanBeek

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men