won’t smith
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
hackers play passwordle
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol