TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

*Me unloading full cart*

First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this

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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.


Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours


WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat


If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.


THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening


One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.


It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.



If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.