@figgled

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

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@WilliamAder

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@HlessHman

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

@heatherlou_

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

@mommajessiec

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

@Reverend_Scott

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

@ClichedOut

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

@_Water_Baby

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.