@figgled

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

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@NewDadNotes

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

@pearlylondon

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

@AubriePesky

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

@mom_tho

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

@hazelmotes1

Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

@ramblinma

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

@ImLeslieChow

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.

@HenpeckedHal

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

@Halbeerz

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies