[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

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WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.


Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.



God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“


At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.



DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?


It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.


[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?


8. Which is your least favorite character?