WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cells divide again*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
8. Which is your least favorite character?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*