They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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Yawning is your body’s way of saying 20% battery left
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.