Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies