To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry