@katy_fit

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

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@BoogTweets

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

@dshack8

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

@lloydrang

The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

@KateWouldHaveIt

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

@xysist

Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG

@iwearaonesie

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@realbjdunne

[restaurant]

waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?

me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Cop 1: Where did you come from?

Cop 2: Where did you go?

Cotton Eyed Joe: I want a lawyer.