To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Boating season is upon us.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.