My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.
Rock beats paper.
And the crowd goes wild.
God: you’re a dog.
God: the humans are gonna love you.
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?
me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
Cop 1: Where did you come from?
Cop 2: Where did you go?
Cotton Eyed Joe: I want a lawyer.