To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Y’all know who you are.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.