@UncleDuke1969

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

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@shellyspivey

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

@Jenny4ashley

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

@humanaaron

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

@jonnysun

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

@rachel2manypaws

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

@carlyken

Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.

@BDGarp

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

@jonnysun

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

@BrettDruck

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.