To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
You Might Also Like
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car