To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time