How old are you?
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*
Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.
internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?
me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly