To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.