[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
This is the coolest video you will see today.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road