@PimpBillClinton

To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.

To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.

- @PimpBillClinton

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@It8ezbnme_

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

@Ygrene

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

@harambevan

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

@MeatloafComedy

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

@MCaparco

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@chelseyhotel

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

@Darlainky

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@Kyle_Raney

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

@climaxximus

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]