@PimpBillClinton

To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.

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@joeyhuggles

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.

@gabemakesmusic

I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”

@kyle_thatisall

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

@thesulk

“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”

@markleggett

How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.

@_CakeBawse

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

@Darlainky

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.