Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.
To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
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I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”
How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.