godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.