To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”