To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
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Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My first child will be named New Folder.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.