There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.