@teeaysmith: To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
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@WheelTod: I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they'd been expecting a baby.
@JeffSarcastic: My wife found a spider in the shower. Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.
@SamSykesSwears: "If Bernie doesn't get the nom, I'm voting Trump." "Also, if McDonald's is out of chicken nuggets, I'm going to eat 20 scorpions."