To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital


Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.


My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful


Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.


I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one


Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?


Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob


My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?


Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.


The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.