@teeaysmith

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

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@TweetPotato314

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@FeelingEuphoric

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

@thebeckyard

Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.

@pilau

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

@michelada74

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

@therealeatwood

Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.