To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
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First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Sharon I have some bad news
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Who.
Did.
This?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.