To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.