@TheGoodGodAbove

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

- @TheGoodGodAbove

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

@Big_Cat74

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

@LittleMissAngr1

Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*

Priest: And the bride?

Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.

@deedles420

Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?

@weinerdog4life

When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.

@internetluke

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

@timdonakowski

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

@MrsGoose69

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.