To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.


ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”


Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.


So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.


I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon


No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark


Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants


[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]


craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too