To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.