Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
To avoid butterflies in your stomach, don’t eat caterpillars.
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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My toddler just asked, “Where’s mom?” and I told him to go ask his mom. He accepted this response and went off to ask her.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
When you lie on your resume but still get the job…
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”