@thedailymarker

To avoid butterflies in your stomach, don’t eat caterpillars.

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@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

@glenyrd

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

@Gooooats

My toddler just asked, “Where’s mom?” and I told him to go ask his mom. He accepted this response and went off to ask her.

@chunkbardey

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

@haileybri23

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@3sunzzz

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

@leapeajo

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”