To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Lmaoo 😂
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law