It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
😂💯
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.