@TheDairylandDon

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

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@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

@KateWouldHaveIt

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

@Bearslietoo

A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.

@UncleDuke1969

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

@UniqueDude2

Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.

@thejakeshenry

This dishwasher sucks. It’s already ruined three of my paper plates.

@nishadtrivedi

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

@ellewasamistake

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere