@Tommytoughstuff
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
@TheDairylandDon
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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@Tommytoughstuff
@KateWouldHaveIt
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
@Bearslietoo
A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.
@UncleDuke1969
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
@UniqueDude2
Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.
@thejakeshenry
This dishwasher sucks. It’s already ruined three of my paper plates.
@nishadtrivedi
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
@ellewasamistake
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
@Gupton68
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
@internetluke
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere