To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?


“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.


A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.


Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.


Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.


This dishwasher sucks. It’s already ruined three of my paper plates.


What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”


son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes


So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?


[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere