To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

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How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.


As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.


Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?


The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.


I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.


[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.


genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes…

My dogs don’t even own bikes..


*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag


I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed