To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
At least try to make it slightly believable
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Those are good neighbors.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!