To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.