To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.


[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.


CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no


stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!


Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.


[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles


Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*

Her: that’s supposed to be a couch.


There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried


I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you