Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”
Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!
*eats entire box of Triscuits*
*poops out a wicker chaise lounge*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*
Her: that’s supposed to be a couch.
There are four main food groups:
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you