[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
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Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Pat is about to own someone
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)