A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
You Might Also Like
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
#Caturday
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
m’lady
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*