@CornerPubRon

To be clear, I’ll take a $1400 check from anybody. It doesn’t just have to be the government.

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@TheBoydP

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

@danielhowell

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

@JediGigi

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.