We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
To be clear, I’ll take a $1400 check from anybody. It doesn’t just have to be the government.
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching
MASSEUSE: just relax
ME: THIS IS ME RELAXED
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.