That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
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“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
When I grow up, I want to be 16
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Is this you?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.