@13spencer

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

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@JasonLight73

Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!

@TheCatWhisprer

[on a date]
Okay don’t let her know you’re a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?
Me: HE’S JUST A FRIEND.

@Mikecanrant

In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.

@perlhack

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

@heidi420x

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

@FU_TangClan

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@KeetPotato

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”