@13spencer
@Wine_honey1
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
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@Wine_honey1
@ArfMeasures
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
@SortaBad
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
@beefman138
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
@davidkenny100
*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
*rubs throat
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
@SlothSlouch
Vampires are just cannibals on a juice cleanse
@notalogin
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
@JD_KC
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
@better_off_dad
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
@Home_Halfway
Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M