
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
*rubs throat
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
Vampires are just cannibals on a juice cleanse
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M