@13spencer

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

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@Wine_honey1

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

@ArfMeasures

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

@SortaBad

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

@beefman138

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes

@notalogin

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

@JD_KC

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

@better_off_dad

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

@Home_Halfway

Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M