To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.


JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or


No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch


I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.


*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes


What’s your WiFi pw?
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?


The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.


*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’


Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M