To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute