The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know