to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
idk flipping houses looks really hard
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
based al yankovic
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
are they though??
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.