To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Batman v Dracula
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one