To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

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me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands


Remember not to laugh at your ex wife’s choices. You were one of them.


WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go


DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*


Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses


The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.


angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice


Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E


Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.


Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?