Me: Read this tweet.
Me: Is it racist?
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Me: *deletes tweet*
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…