@MrRamBillings

To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

@OllyiConic

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

@donni

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

@iamspacegirl

[Wall Street]

ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit

@1Happytwit

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

@hyperblastchic

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

@JustinSayne722

I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.

@wendchymes

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…