To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce

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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*


me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me


Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!


[Wall Street]

ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit


I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.


“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born


I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.


If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…