WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”