@MrRamBillings

To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce

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@UncleDuke1969

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

@david8hughes

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

@Mike_Bianchi

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

@hrtbps

The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”

@DanMentos

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

@blondebombs

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

@wendchymes

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.