@Angibangie

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

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@Gwinifer

Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you’re going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.

@RexRizzo

Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”

@Marlebean

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

@prodigalsam

They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

@2tickytacky

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

@krisv_723

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

@rad_milk

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s