Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you’re going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.
They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s