To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
this is what they would have looked like, though
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
where do you see yourself in five years?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*pronounces patio like ratio
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no