“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
guilty
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
A dead goose is called a ghoost
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Squirrels before girls.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude