Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
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Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
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date: oh cool! i love cars too
me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me: how was your day?
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.