I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
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Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Her:”What do you do?”
Me:”I teach astronomy.”
Her:”OMG!! I’m a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?”
Me:”Yes, you’ll go home alone tonight.”
*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*
*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*
ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction
Mine now human
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes