@Cpin42

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

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@_NTFG_

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

@amishschool

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

@Fred_Delicious

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

@Prof_Peejay

Her:”What do you do?”
Me:”I teach astronomy.”
Her:”OMG!! I’m a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?”
Me:”Yes, you’ll go home alone tonight.”

@thepoetknight

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

@salmarch79

ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction

@chuuew

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes