To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[calls wife from store]
“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.