@MaryJustice86

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

You Might Also Like

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@3sunzzz

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

@Mr_Kapowski

[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”

@MomOnFire

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

@SSDated

Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!

@PandAmonnia

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

@Darlainky

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

@Chumpstring

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

@spies_please

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.