To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*