@BillCorbett

To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

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@jazz_inmypants

Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency

Me: yes

[later]

Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency

Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]

@pinupteacher

After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.

@BRENTHOR

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

@mom_ontherocks

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

@TheAlexNevil

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

@junejuly12

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

@karanbirtinna

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”