My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday