Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency
Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency
Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]
To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
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After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”