To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

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*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.


Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?


Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.


I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.


If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted


Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”


According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.


Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.


“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on