@BillCorbett

To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

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@violet_heartin

*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.

@skittle624

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

@Dr_powpow

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.

@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

@carlyken

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

@WheelTod

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

@ibid78

“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on