To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing