To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
let’s discuss
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
brian had himself a morning…
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go