@Chhapiness

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

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@ericsshadow

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

@sweet_pea707

Me: Did you hear what I just said?

Him: Yes

Me: What did I say?

Him: Did you hear what I just said

@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@CAshmanActor

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

@PellMull

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

@Diversion50

DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!

ME: Great!

DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.

ME: Oh. OK.

*bins blueprint for Batcave*

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

@SeanINCypress

Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?