I’m a virgin but I have sex sometimes
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: Did you hear what I just said?
Me: What did I say?
Him: Did you hear what I just said
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!
DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: Oh. OK.
*bins blueprint for Batcave*
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?