When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
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If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.