*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
awkward
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA