this is so top tier i cant
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Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Dear Lord..
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me sliding into hell like
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.